Binary Expressions

• If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
• You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
• I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
• I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “Barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
• It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: “early”.
• I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
• As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car.
• The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls,a sweater, and a goose down parka — zipped up to her ;throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
• Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
• Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my >daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to ;your car — there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

I ran across this hilarious video on YouTube.com called “The Workout”, as must see :-).

Source: YouTube.com

I ran across this video on IFILM called “Nintendo: Oldschool Revolution” that is quite humours and done quite well. Check it out.

Source: Nintendo: Oldschool Revolution

Well here’s another great collection of Super Bowl XL commercials. Thanks to IFILM.com we can all watch them at our leisure. I haven’t watched them all yet, but so far I would have to say my favorite of all is the “Michelob Ultra: Touch Football” commercial. Very funny. Enjoy.

Source: IFILM Superbowl XL Commercials

I came across this funny parody of the Backstreet Boys “As Long As You Love Me” song. It is done quite well and I just had to pass it along. According to one of the sources I found, sounds like these Chinese boys have been selected by Motorola China to promote mobile phones just because of this video, amazing. You can watch all the parodies or performances these boys have created at Revver.com. Also you can see them preform live at What Tian Has Learned. I guess these are more then just a parody.

Source: Video and Chinese to English translation
Source: Back Dormitory Boys

I was listening to “The Daily Source Code” podcast episode #322 today (January 24) and heard about this podcast called “Bedtime Stories My Kids Love” doing some stupid stuff at Wal-Mart. You’ve got to listen to this stuff and read it. It is so funny! I’m archiving this away in my jokes for sure! Read/listen to the links in order.

Source 1: Bedtime Stories My Kids Love - Trip to WalMart - Promo for Daily Source Code
Source 2: Look for the post called “The List” in black bold letters.
Source 3: Now listen to the entire stunts play out, this is so funny!!